wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
