My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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