My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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