Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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