So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
