My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
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