i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
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