Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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