we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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