made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
