You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
birth control should be required to get into college
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
