It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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