so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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