I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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