I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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