My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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