Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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