Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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