Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
