I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize