Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
