i'm signing you up for texting rehab
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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