a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
