so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
