Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize