i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
