Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
