he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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