Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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