I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
