I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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