so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize