He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
