All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
