If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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