Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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