Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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