My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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