i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
