So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day â¤ï¸
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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