I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
