He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
