just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
