She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
