The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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