I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
