So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
