Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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