the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
