: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
