So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
my being single is dangerous.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
