i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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