Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
