Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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