I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize