her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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