I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize