Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
The cops high fived after they tackled you
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
