Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
