I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
