i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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