Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
