Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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