last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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