i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You are a booty call, not a friend.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
