You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
