i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize