Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
