So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
