Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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