i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize
