Swine flu. Run for my life!
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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